Monday, February 24, 2014

The Wannabe Ninjas

I wrote this ten years ago. Goodness, was I prescient. How we've got dumb cops blowing away teenage boys when they open the door...and so on and so forth. I figure the police attract psychopaths anyway. So much for the wonders of the Dark Triad.

The time: right about now. The location: these days, just about any place in the United States. The characters: an accountant, a Chevy Cavalier, a poodle, and several police dressed completely in black, just like ninjas in a cheap kung fu film.

Wannabe Ninjas: BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Accountant (getting out of car): What the heck is this? (He looks down and counts all the holes in him.) You idiots just shot me 54 times! I'm not going to survive this, you know! And I've got a wife and two young daughters!

Head Wannabe Ninja: You're a drug dealer!

Accountant: I am not! I'm an accountant! See the horn-rimmed glasses, the pocket protector and the tidy little mustache? You've got the wrong guy!

Assistant Wannabe Ninja (whispering to Head Wannabe): He's right. We're in the wrong neighborhood. Hell, we're in the wrong city!

Head Wannabe: Doesn't matter. I say he's a drug dealer and that's all that counts. None of you guys worry; nothing's going to happen to us. We're cops and we're above the law.

Accountant (looking in car): You shot my poodle.

Head Wannabe: He tried to attack us.

Accountant: Seventeen years old, blind and toothless? I don't think so.

Head Wannabe: I say he tried to attack us! What do you guys say?

Wannabes: We all have toothmarks!

Accountant: Look at all the holes in my car!

Head Wannabe: You tried to run us over.

Accountant: The car's broke! I was waiting for a tow truck!

Head Wannabe: I say you tried to run us over. What do you guys say?

Wannabes: Look at the tire marks all over us!

Accountant: You guys are a joke! Where's your warrant?

Head Wannabe: Warrant? We ain't got no warrant! We don't need no warrant! We don't have to show you no steenkin' warrant!

Accountant: Let me see your badges!

Head Wannabe: (BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!) We don't need no steenkin' badges either!

Accountant: Ack! Gack! (topples over, exits)

Assistant Wannabe: He's dead, Jim. What are we supposed to do now?

Head Wannabe: Cuff him! Can't take any chances even if he is dead! It's the rules!

Assistant Wannabe: What about this dead dog?

Head Wannabe: Cuff all three parts of him.

Assistant Wannabe: Think we should put a gun in his hand to make it look like a good shoot?

Head Wannabe: Naw. Ain't nothing going to happen to us anyway. Why waste a good throw-down?

Assistant Wannabe: Think we should at least put drugs in his car? I mean, he was innocent, you know. We might get into a little trouble here.

Head Wannabe: Nope, don't worry about anything. Nothing's going to happen to us as long as we say he tried to run us down, or we thought his cellphone was a gun, or he made some kind of threatening move like blinking an eye.

Assistant Wannabe: God, I love the War on Drugs!

Head Wannabe: Me too! Hey guys, isn't this great!

All the Wannabes: (firing machine-guns into the air like a gang of drunken bandits): Yay!


Glen Filthie said...

And it still sucks today as much as it did then Bob.

Good grief, I hear this crap from libertarians all the fuggin' time:

"The cops are jack booted thugs! They want to throw us all in prison on trumped up charges! They are enemies of my freeeeeeeeedom!!!!"


A. Where are all these innocents being incarcerated, Bob? Last time I looked our prisons were so chock full of violent murderers, rapists, gangbangers and pedos - that they were letting them out early.

B. Would you take down a Hell's Angel's fortified crack house armed only with a service .38 revolver?

C. What are we supposed to do about this? Sure, lethal errors have been made due to clerical and tactical problems. What is your solution? Don't enforce the law?

I swear, libertarians seem hellbent on having the same cops England does - ineffectual, effeminate, and unarmed. If you want to live in a lawless society I am sure the inner city niggas of Detroit would love to show you around.

The Anti-Gnostic said...

Glen - you are conflating things.

A homogenous society with strong institutions doesn't need an armed ninja police force. Such a society has unarmed bobbies who can defuse a situation by moral suasion. In extreme cases, they borrow firearms from the citizenry. These are facts which are being erased from English history.

The solution to violent, pathological communities is you never let them take root. If they do, you kill the irreformable and scatter their families, like you would any foreign invader or enemy of the peace.

Chris Mallory said...

Glen, Glen, Glen. How wrong you are.

A, Our prison are full of non violent drug offenders. We are releasing the murderers, rapists, and pedos to make room for more pot dealers.

B, The Hells Angels deal meth, not crack. But sure, let two uniformed officers in dress uniforms with .38s, knock on the door and present a warrant before you send in the ninja clowns.

C. No, not "Don't enforce the law" Repeal the law totally. Disband every SWAT team. Arrest every cop who makes a clerical error or tactical problem and then hang them by the neck until dead.

Disarming the cops will make a safer America. Citizens should have weapons, not government employees.

Chris Mallory said...

And Glen, Detroit has plenty of laws.

Glen Filthie said...

"The solution to violent, pathological communities is you never let them take root. If they do, you kill the irreformable and scatter their families, like you would any foreign invader or enemy of the peace."


I agree completely, AG. But even if the political wherewithal were there to do it - you would need, at a minimum, a couple battalions with close air support, armoured cars, snipers, daisy cutters and all that good stuff.

And as for you, Chris - no, all your innocent "pot heads" are out on the street turning places like Detroit and Baltimore into bigger shit holes than they already are. My rights are not violated because idiots can't smoke pot legally.