Monday, April 28, 2014

Only Chodes Use Pre-Programmed Pickup Lines

There is a rather amusing site, run by a semi-ignoramus, who gets his fame and fortune by listing pick-up lines to use on girls.

He mentioned one ridiculous one about how you should say (here I paraphrase), "I didn't know Santa Claus existed, but here you are." That's horrible.

I laughed. It reminded me of some famous lines: "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" or a variant: "Heaven must be missing an angel, because here you are down here." Those are terrible.

When I was a kid there were advertisements in the back of magazines, "How to Pick Up Girls" and "How to Talk to Girls." Even at 11 or 12, I was thinking, "What the hell?"

How to get into the panties of 25 beautiful girls by using cool pickup lines!

The same thing exists today, only it's online.

When I was in college (perhaps 21) my girlfriend, I, and a friend and another girl were sitting in a room. The girl asked me what pickup lines I would use. I told her I didn't use pickup lines, but if I did I would say to her, "I looked at you and had a spontaneous physical reaction." She got a big grin and said, "Now that would work."

Not babbling some nonsense about Santa Claus and angels.

Again, in college I was in the library with a friend when some guy walked up to girl and asked "What's the story, morning glory?" My friend asked, "Are you serious?" to which the guy answered defensively,"It's the only way I know to talk to the chicks." Perhaps he should have ordered one of those books.

I have few very talents. One is that I happen to be funny. It appears to be natural. I could have been a standup comedian except I'm too lazy. As Sam Kinnison once said, "If you don't have talent or preparation for whatever you want to do, you will not be successful in anything."

But I do know this: if you don't have natural talent you're just going to make a fool out of yourself.

I was sitting in a coffee shop with a woman I know when my head turned of its own volition and I found a girl about 21 looking at me. I leaned forward and said in a conspiratorial tone, "Don't worry, women always look at me, but that was 25 years ago." She looked flustered and smiled.

The woman I was with said, "Are you flirting with her?" No, I answered, I'm just using my indiscriminate charm.

Or the woman next door whom I told, "When women get involved with me their lives get better."

She laughed and said, "God, you're arrogant."

"No," I told her, "just confident and funny."

If you want to memorize cheesy "negs" and use them on attractive women, I encourage you to do so. I enjoy seeing these guys get looks like they're a centipede crawling up a woman's arm. Perhaps you might want to try it at the local Starbucks!

Spontaneously is how you do it. Not programmed.


Anonymous said...

My favourite pick up line is - 'If you were a booger, I'd pick you first!'

It's very reliable - it always fails....

Unknown said...

I once caught a woman looking at me and I said, "What, I got a booger hanging from my nose?"

Without changing expression she said, "Yes, you do."

totenhenchen said...

“I was told Santa would be here. Have I been lied to my whole life?!”

That's the actual quote, which is entirely different in style, substance, and tone than your putative paraphrasing.

Anyone more tech savvy than the Wild Goat Boy of Borneo knows how to copy/past a bit of text from one web page to another. Why bother paraphrasing, and poorly at that? A cynical reader might conclude that you simply wanted to go all Tae Bo on a strawman.

Alas, Tae Bo is not kung fu, and your paraphrasing bears even less resemblance to what was actually written. While I am inclined to agree that Heartiste's claimed exploits are often exaggerated, I am disinclined to heed arguments built upon misrepresentation.

That said, the accurately quoted line, delivered with a wink and a nudge, would be a fine icebreaker (which is really all that pickup lines are, anyway). Not everybody possesses the gift of gab, and such people keeping a couple of handy icebreakers on deck doesn't make them "chodes."

Unknown said...

I did it from memory, but either way it's a terrible line. As for the wink and nudge...go ahead. It's still an awful line and such a cheesy opening that I encourage you to use it.

Zodak said...

'(here I paraphrase), "I didn't know Santa Claus existed, but here you are." That's horrible.'

no shit it's horrible, in your version you just called the girl a fat old man. his version is a joke about looking for santa at a department store.

dude, you can't copy & paste? or even better read?

Unknown said...

Remember I said I paraphrased it. By the way, only a chode would use any of Roissy's pickup lines or take such a buffoon seriously.

Didn't have a father, did you? Raised by a single mother?