Wednesday, January 5, 2011

How to Seduce an INTJ

I don’t mean physically. I mean emotionally.

I am an INTJ – Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging. Hannibal Lector is also an INTJ (I didn't have to look up that he was one. It was clear from the movie). You’re probably wondering why I bring him up, but I have good reasons.

In both the novel and the movie, The Silence of the Lambs, when Clarice and Hannibal met, they play tit-for-tat – she tells him something, he tells her something.

The reason Hannibal did what he did is because all INTJs have a desire for knowledge. Taken to an extreme, it’s the sin of Greed. INTJs are emotionally satisfied by knowing things they want to know. But it has to be what they want to know. Gossip drives us insane.

In fact, when you start to see someone twitch angrily when someone else is running on and on, there is a good chance that person is an INTJ.

Hannibal wanted to know about Clarice, and when he got what he wanted from her, you saw the look of satisfaction on his face. Hannibal was manipulating Clarice into seducing him, while he was seducing her. It’s never a one-way street. When he got the chance, he caressed her finger with his.

Hannibal wanted intimate details from Clarice, and he had to play tit-for-tat to get them. But he got them. (There is a line from the movie, "You don't want Hannibal inside your head". You know what? You don't want any INTJ inside your head. Since we see patterns we can see things, that if we said them, would be incredibly cruel.)

INTJs are seduced by intimate emotional details – by stories of people’s lives. They don’t particularly judge what they hear. We’re too greedy to do much judging, because of our desire to understand.

You want to emotionally seduce an INTJ? Give him intimate details and stories of your life. Especially if you whisper in his ear in the dark

INTJs are almost invariably intelligent, knowledgeable, and witty. We are imaginative and intuitive first, after which reason is in the third place. If a male INTJ (I can’t speak about female ones) runs across a woman who is intelligent, witty and knowledgeable, she can easily seduce him with intimate details of her life – with stories about herself.

Intellect is not the first thing to get to us, although it does count tremendously. Engaging the imagination and the intuition does. The imagination is how we understand stories – it allows us to empathize, to feel a connection, The intuition helps the imagination.

That’s what counts with us – engaging the imagination and the emotions by intimate stories. We are in fact voyeurs -- not in the Peeping Tom sense, but in sense of wanting to know those unique stories about people's lives.

INTJs are also System Builders, i.e., they want to know the “whole” of something. When Hannibal was asking such intimate questions of Clarice, he was trying to find the most important things about her, so he would know her as a whole, as a complete system, as a whole woman.

In fact, in the second novel (but not the movie) they ended up together. I wasn’t surprised.

An INTJ will in fact start to consider such a woman his soul mate.

INTJs collect the unusual. Gossipy details about other’s lives do nothing for us,in fact, as I mentioned, drive us insane. But the unusual, the unique – that’s a different story, just as Clarice’s unusual life intrigued Hannibal.

For good or bad, INTJs are nearly impossible to read. Most people are vaguely confused by us. Oftentimes we're considered strange. It's just the way we are. We can't do much about it, although we do learn to halfway come across as normal.

The ENFP (Extroverted Feeling Perceiving) is supposed to be the natural partner of the INTJ. I have run across such women, and I know their effect on me. Some of them, the more intelligent and witty ones, do feel like my soul mates.

You can’t seduce an INTJ physically. Oh, you can, but that’s as far as it will go. A woman can be beatiful, and that will last about three days with us.

But once you can get to him emotionally, with the intimate, unusual stories, wit, intelligence, accepting the fact you’re dealing with someone who is less than one percent of the population…then you’ve found the chink in the armor.


This is Jen said...

This is Jen

When I read this it scared me.... its so true of me.

Unknown said...

Yeah, I pretty weird sometimes.

amine said...

i'm an intj what u've described is exactly-exactly what i am

Anonymous said...

i'm an intj what u've described is exactly-exactly what i am

Unknown said...


INTJ female here. Can't say I'm terribly bothered by gossip but I rarely ever hear it and when I do the stories are pretty gritty. Gritty, ugly gossip isn't so hard to listen to. But yes, if you mean this in the "others fail to stay on topic" sort of way, well that's for the INTJ to deal with. It can be a weakness to be so targeted at times. It's not so hard to redirect people anyway and you'll get more information than if you're just pressing the person.

Unknown said...

Could also be because I have a developed Fi, so I analyze someone's emotional data like anything else. My Fi isn't developed enough to be a true decision function for me anything like my Te but it does provide useful data.

Anonymous said...

"INTJs are almost invariably intelligent, knowledgeable, and witty. We are imaginative and intuitive first, after which reason is in the third place. If a male INTJ (I can’t speak about female ones) runs across a woman who is intelligent, witty and knowledgeable, she can easily seduce him with intimate details of her life – with stories about herself."

Maybe that's why INTJs rarely date or marry. As a female INTJ, I don't give out intimate details. Folks say I'm a great listener though. Small smile.

Anonymous said...

My bf is an intj. I'm an infp. Things tend to get difficult.

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Anonymous said...

i have a huge crush on someone who claims he's intj. i feel very insecure about this...

Anonymous said...

So True,
@Anonymous talk to him.

Anonymous said...

Gossip does not drive me insane. In fact, my ear is always bending toward it. I need to hear it, and assess its verity, or the motivations of the person knowingly purveying it to me. Gossip is part of a system I need to understand. I'm an INTJ journalist. It's crap like someone's latest diet effort--as they stuff their mouths with office treats--that drives me insane. Mundane stuff of no importance to anyone other than the blabbermouth spewing the inanity.

Anonymous said...

OK, if you think a male INTJ is interested. If you feel a vibe emanating from him when you pass him in the hall, but all he does is repeat what you say to him--while holding your gaze during the "Hello" or "Excuse me"--is that the mating call? I'm also a mature INTJ (female) and we're both in an organization dominated professionally by civil engineers. Or, as an INTJ am I projecting because I'm love starved due to the self-limiting dating pool? I would like to get this question answered before I go insane, but the risk of point-blanking him is organizationally risky. The other male engineers are worse than middle-school girls with their talk. We really ought to have a secret signal. ---ageratum

Anonymous said...

I'm INFJ. This description of how to woo an INTJ matches almost perfectly to how you would woo an INFJ, particularly the part about the intimate stories. I tend to refer to them as "secrets," (eg "Tell me a secret!" means "Tell me a personal story that you've never told anyone else!"), but intimate stories is a more accurate description. Like, it was so similar that I literally laughed out loud. I also laughed at INTJs being hard to read because it's so true. And if an INFJ is saying you're hard to read, you REALLY ARE hard to read. It works out though because INFJs like figuring out weird, interesting people. Like a puzzle. And eventually we learn to read even the toughest INTJ by learning those subtle cues. Anyway, very interesting and insightful post.

Anonymous said...

Hey ageratum... I think the best way for you to handle this is to learn how to flirt kind of like an enfp. Swag your hips as you walk by or do something with a sexual tone, this way you have not said or done anything particularly outrageous but if he's interested then that sign will propel him forward to ask you out.

Personally though, an odd story probably won't seduce me, it will interest me a lot, but physical attraction has to be there too, I think a spiritual connection might do it for me though.

Iknitthereforeiam said...

That has got to be the dumbest advice to give to a female INTJ. Consider the fact that INTJ individuals don't like lies, fakeness, or other forms of false representation. So why should female INTJ's be told to do something that is completely contrary to their core functionality?

Find some form of social commonality and invite them out for an activity. If you think a one on one is too risky, then invite a select few others. People also underestimate the power of group socializing when looking for a partner.

People should see and get to know each other at their relaxed and normal state, not some contrived circumstance and behavior. After all, that's truly what you are stuck with.

Iknitthereforeiam said...

Unfortunately with male engineers/male INTJ's you pretty much have to spell it out for them. I have yet to meet an engineer of any type whose girlfriend or wife didn't do the heavy lifting in the wooing department.

But don't resort to dumbass flirting. Notoriously INTJ's are tone deaf to it. You're likely to waste your energy, confuse him with the sudden weird behavior or repel him with it. Basically it could backfire.

Just see if he would like to do something. Make it a group date, if you're concerned about your office environment.

Anonymous said...

I've had a crush on an INTJ coworker for about a year. We don't work closely together. I see him periodically and can sense him coming a mile away. My gut tells me he is interested but he's never made a move. He will respond if I start flirting with him - invades my personal space, big smile, stares in my eyes, visually travels my body, etc. but he never initiates anything. The one time he seemed to make an overture (months ago) I was so shocked I fumbled the ball so to speak and completely shut him down. I am an ENTJ and we too don't show emotion very easily.

A coworker recently pointed out that his behavior with me is different than how he is with anyone else in the building, but still no action.Is there any hope for a relationship with this man or should I throw in the towel?

Anonymous said...

I'm an INTJ male, and I'm extremely upset you've given away our secrets!!! How are we supposed to play our beloved mind games with women if they know the secret key to our souls?

Just kidding - you are spot on!

Anonymous said...

As an ISFP, how can I seduce my INTJ ex back?

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Unknown said...

I'm head over heels inlove with my INTJ. You captivate my heart, Jethro. I love you ~from your Infj

Anonymous said...

I’m an ENFP and I don’t get it.... you INTJ men want me to bore you by talking about myself???

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Unknown said...

Hannibal Lector said, "you don't want an intj in your mind" That may be true of most types, but I am comfortable with what is in my mind and my ability to manage an intj there. When I saw Silence of the Lambs, I wondered why everyone was afraid of Lector.
INTP male.