Sunday, March 30, 2014

"How to Spot an Abuser on the First Date"

I have pointed out before that those who speak of the Dark Triad as something good don't know what it is.

Vaknin is right: the first clue is that they blame their problems on other people. That's been noticed as far back as the story of the Garden of Eden, in which Adam blames his problem on Eve, and Eve blames them on the serpent, which is a symbol of hate and envy. And if there is one word to describe those who suffer from the Dark Triad, it is envy. Hate, envy, rage, blaming their problems on others. Obsessed with power, domination and control to cover up the unbearable weakness that is their Self.

This article was written by Dr. Sam Vaknin and is from his site HERE.

"Is there anything you can do to avoid abusers and narcissists to start with? Are there any warning signs, any identifying marks, rules of thumb to shield you from the harrowing and traumatic experience of an abusive relationship?

"Imagine a first or second date. You can already tell if he is a would-be abuser. Here's how:

"Perhaps the first telltale sign is the abuser's alloplastic defenses – his tendency to blame every mistake of his, every failure, or mishap on others, or on the world at large. Be tuned: does he assume personal responsibility? Does he admit his faults and miscalculations? Or does he keep blaming you, the cab driver, the waiter, the weather, the government, or fortune for his predicament?

"Is he hypersensitive, picks up fights, feels constantly slighted, injured, and insulted? Does he rant incessantly? Does he treat animals and children impatiently or cruelly and does he express negative and aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy, the sentimental, and the disabled? Does he confess to having a history of battering or violent offenses or behavior? Is his language vile and infused with expletives, threats, and hostility?

"Next thing: is he too eager? Does he push you to marry him having dated you only twice? Is he planning on having children on your first date? Does he immediately cast you in the role of the love of his life? Is he pressing you for exclusivity, instant intimacy, almost rapes you and acts jealous when you as much as cast a glance at another male? Does he inform you that, once you get hitched, you should abandon your studies or resign your job (forgo your personal autonomy)?

"Does he respect your boundaries and privacy? Does he ignore your wishes (for instance, by choosing from the menu or selecting a movie without as much as consulting you)? Does he disrespect your boundaries and treats you as an object or an instrument of gratification (materializes on your doorstep unexpectedly or calls you often prior to your date)? Does he go through your personal belongings while waiting for you to get ready? Does he text or phone you multiply and incessantly and insist to know where you are or where you have been at all times?

"Does he control the situation and you compulsively? Does he insist to ride in his car, holds on to the car keys, the money, the theater tickets, and even your bag? Does he disapprove if you are away for too long (for instance when you go to the powder room)? Does he interrogate you when you return ('have you seen anyone interesting') – or make lewd 'jokes' and remarks? Does he hint that, in future, you would need his permission to do things – even as innocuous as meeting a friend or visiting with your family? Does he insist on a 'dress code'?

"Does he act in a patronizing and condescending manner and criticizes you often? Does he emphasize your minutest faults (devalues you) even as he exaggerates your talents, traits, and skills (idealizes you)? Does he call you names, harasses, or ridicules you? Is he wildly unrealistic in his expectations from you, from himself, from the budding relationship, and from life in general?

"Does he tell you constantly that you 'make him feel' good? Don't be impressed. Next thing, he may tell you that you 'make' him feel bad, or that you make him feel violent, or that you 'provoke' him. 'Look what you made me do!' is an abuser's ubiquitous catchphrase.

"Does he find sadistic sex exciting? Does he have fantasies of rape or pedophilia? Is he too forceful with you in and out of the sexual intercourse? Does he like hurting you physically or finds it amusing? Does he abuse you verbally – does he curse you, demeans you, calls you ugly or inappropriately diminutive names, or persistently criticizes you? Does he beat or slap you or otherwise mistreats you physically? Does he then switch to being saccharine and 'loving', apologizes profusely and buys you gifts?

"If you have answered 'yes' to any of the above – stay away! He is an abuser.


Anonymous said...

I've noticed you tend to blame your own cognitive deficiencies on the people who try to help you learn your way around them.

Incidentally, have you noticed that women have to be warned away from psychopaths? As if the psychopathic behavior itself didn't drive them away at all. As if, in fact, they found it... attractive...

Don't strain yourself, chief.

Unknown said...

The first defense of those suffering from cognitive dissonance are ad hominem attacks.

You clearly don't know what a psychopath is, or much about women, either.

Incidentally, ad hominem is ad hominem only if it isn't true. If it's true it's not ad hominem. Which is why my observations about you are not ad hominem.

James said...

As a Christian I am trying to undergo the process of sanctification, and in doing so, not only staying away from sin but also eliminating these narcissistic and psychopathic tendencies in me. I found that it does not actually make a girl any less interested in me.

Bob, a lot of the essays you post mention these tendencies I have in me, and I've been working on removing these.I feel it is better for my mental state, and not really any different on the level of attraction girls have for me. I am convinced the dark triad is a kind of male horoscope or chick crack. Nothing more than the online d1ck measuring contest along with alpha and beta and related idealogies.

Glen Filthie said...

Well I admit I am not expert on women and psychos either Bob but the boy has a point: women are drawn to that shit. Not only that, after having been abused they will often separate and then go back to it!

Years ago my father in law worked part time at a battered women's shelter doing errands, handyman chores and the bidding of the female counsellors that looked after the victims of spousal abuse. As a result I got roped into all kinds of 'volunteer' work and I learned a few things. We weren't supposed to interact with the women there because some were in 'fragile states'...but the horrible truth of it was that AT LEAST 85% of the battered women there deserved it! I'm not saying it to be mean! Bob, even a saint like you would probably be sorely tempted to back hand these shrews if you were married to them! I was astounded how they abused the social program to help battered women too.

When I talked to a cop about it he laughed and said this about spousal abuse: "99% of all spousal abuse cases are cases where two idiots are fighting and the smaller idiot is losing..."

I don't think it is possible to spot all abusers on the first date...but by the first or second month of the relationship it should be fairly easy. I think abusive relationships may have as much to do with stupidity as they do with psychotic behaviour...

Unknown said...

My experience has been many of them deserve it. I have also found it takes two to dance. And the women are just as abusive as the are just bigger and stronger.

And I ain't a saint. I've thrown women on the floor because they wouldn't stop what they were doing.