Saturday, March 26, 2011

How to Deal with Lunatic Mass Murderers

School Shooter: BLAM! BLAM ! BLAM!

Student: Ohmigod! There's a school shooter outside the door! He's going to break in and shoot all of us!

Armed Student: Ain't gonna happen. (Whips out .45 semi-automatic pistol)

Liberal Nitwit Student: Hey! It's illegal to carry a handgun! I'm calling the police!

Armed Student: Go ahead. The one hundredth call isn't going to make them show up any faster.

Female Student: Shut up, you liberal moron or I'll punch you!

Liberal Nitwit: Okay.

Armed Student (jumping behind door): Don't anyone look at me so he won't know I'm here.

School shooter (crashing through door): Ha ha! Everyone up against the wall so I can shoot all of you! I have a pistol and enough magazines to hold 100 rounds! I'm going to shoot all of you two and three times and kill 32 of you! Stupid liberals will blame it on the tool instead of the fool! Others will blame Stephen King because I read his novel, Rage. I'm going to get revenge on all of you for abusing, bullying and humiliating me all my life! Ha ha ha! I don't have any friends and have never had a girlfriend! I'm a virgin and have never even kissed a girl! I was molested by a homosexual pedophile! I was raised poor in a high school with snobby rich kids! My life didn't turn out the way I wanted even though I'm only 23! I'm on murder/suicide pills, aka Prozac. So I'll get rid of my hate and rage and envy and go out in a blaze of glory! You ignored me in life but you won't ignore me in death! Now up against --

Armed Student: BLAM!

Female Student (putting hands over eyes): Yuck!

Armed Student: Those point-blank headshots are messy. Anyone have a shovel? And a bucket?

Liberal Nitwit: That was cold-blooded murder! He'd been horribly abused all his life by us! This whole thing is straight out of Carrie!

Female Student: I’m sorry he was abused and humiliated, and no one should ever be treated like that, but it's too late now to fix that particular problem! And I told you to shut up! (POW!)

Liberal Nitwit: Ow! My eye!

Student: Where are the police? We called them 45 minutes ago and they're still not here

Armed Student: Now that this potential mass murderer is dead they'll show up. It'll be just like Columbine, where they hid until the shooting was over and everyone was dead.

Cop (bursting through the door, dressed like a ninja): Everyone on the floor with you hands on your heads!

Armed Student: The shooter is dead. He's right there in front of you.

Cop: Who shot him?!?

Armed Student: I did, with my .45. I just saved 32 lives.

Cop: On the floor! You're under arrest!

Armed Student: Is your name Richard Cranium, by any chance? We're the victims here, you know.

Cop: My name is Officer Dim, not Cranium! Now all of you on the floor! All of you are under arrest!

Students (chorus): This is ridiculous! We called you people over 100 times, you show up after the guy's dead, and now you want us to get on the floor with our hands on our heads!

Cop: That's right! All of you on the floor, now!

Female student (grabbing cop's M-16 out of his hands): You're worthless! "Peace officer," my butt! Get out of here!

Students (chorus): Get out of here! If we had depended on you dumbass cops, we'd all be dead by now!

Cop (running out of room): Mommy! They took my penis!

Student: You know, I feel a lot better now. Free and brave, like I'm not a brainwashed sheeple anymore!

Armed Student: That's the spirit! Like Thucydides said: "Be convinced that to be happy means to be free and that to be free means to be brave." You can't be brave or happy unless you're free!

Student: I never thought of that! And it's so simple!

Armed Student: Never learned that in public school, did you?

Female Student: Yay for armed students!

Student: And disarmed fake cops!

Armed Student: And yay for Americans! And how Americans are supposed to act!

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