Monday, October 11, 2010

I Multitask in the Bath

Me: Dum de dum dum.

New Girlfriend: What are you doing?

Me: I’m taking a bath in your bathtub.

NG: I can see that. I can also see that you’re drinking a cup of coffee and smoking a cigar. But why do you have your shirt in the tub with you?

Me: I’m multitasking. I’m washing my shirt along with me.

NG: Do you do this a lot?

Me: All the time. I buy a gallon of Dr. Bronners citric liquid soap and I wash me, my hair and my clothes in it. It’s dumb to buy shampoo for your hair, soap for your body and detergent for your clothes. It’s a waste of money. Instead I use Dr. Bronners. A gallon costs like $50 but I dilute it and it goes a long way.

NG: Don’t you think you’re kinda weird?

Me: Some people think that about me, but I see myself as logical and saving a lot of money. I don’t use toothpaste, either, but baking soda. All those corporations try to brainwash people and take their money -- they try to make you think you are benefitting yourself when you’re really diminishing yourself. I have better things to spend my money on than the over-priced crap created by those Cosmodemonic Transnational Megacorporations. I hate them.

NG: You think you’re logical?

Me: I’m a combination of Spock, Captain Kirk, Scotty and Bones all rolled into one.

NG: Is there anything else I should know about you?

Me: I buy all my clothes and shoes at thrift stores. The only things I buy new are socks and underwear. There’s a thrift store four blocks from where I live that supports a no-kill shelter and I shop there. Save the pugs! I got a Gevalia coffee-maker for two dollars and a brand-new pair of Nikes for four dollars. I consider myself brilliant. Don’t you?

NG; Well, you are smart but you’re still very eccentric.

Me: You want to get in the tub with me?

NG: Your cigar stinks.

Me: (throwing it in the toilet): There!

NG: You just threw your cigar in my toilet!

Me: Your point?

NG: (rolling eyes) Forget it.

Me: You ain’t lived until you’ve been scrubbed with Dr. Bronners. I even got a washcloth. I got it at the thrift store, too. Climb in here, honey bunch.

NG: God, you are so weird.

Me: But lovable! And cute! And adorable! And oodles of fun!

NG: You can stop anytime now.

Me: Okay.

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