Me: Dum de dum dum.
New Girlfriend: What are you doing?
Me: I’m taking a bath in your bathtub.
NG: I can see that. I can also see that you’re drinking a cup of coffee and smoking a cigar. But why do you have your shirt in the tub with you?
Me: I’m multitasking. I’m washing my shirt along with me.
NG: Do you do this a lot?
Me: All the time. I buy a gallon of Dr. Bronners citric liquid soap and I wash me, my hair and my clothes in it. It’s dumb to buy shampoo for your hair, soap for your body and detergent for your clothes. It’s a waste of money. Instead I use Dr. Bronners. A gallon costs like $50 but I dilute it and it goes a long way.
NG: Don’t you think you’re kinda weird?
Me: Some people think that about me, but I see myself as logical and saving a lot of money. I don’t use toothpaste, either, but baking soda. All those corporations try to brainwash people and take their money -- they try to make you think you are benefitting yourself when you’re really diminishing yourself. I have better things to spend my money on than the over-priced crap created by those Cosmodemonic Transnational Megacorporations. I hate them.
NG: You think you’re logical?
Me: I’m a combination of Spock, Captain Kirk, Scotty and Bones all rolled into one.
NG: Is there anything else I should know about you?
Me: I buy all my clothes and shoes at thrift stores. The only things I buy new are socks and underwear. There’s a thrift store four blocks from where I live that supports a no-kill shelter and I shop there. Save the pugs! I got a Gevalia coffee-maker for two dollars and a brand-new pair of Nikes for four dollars. I consider myself brilliant. Don’t you?
NG; Well, you are smart but you’re still very eccentric.
Me: You want to get in the tub with me?
NG: Your cigar stinks.
Me: (throwing it in the toilet): There!
NG: You just threw your cigar in my toilet!
Me: Your point?
NG: (rolling eyes) Forget it.
Me: You ain’t lived until you’ve been scrubbed with Dr. Bronners. I even got a washcloth. I got it at the thrift store, too. Climb in here, honey bunch.
NG: God, you are so weird.
Me: But lovable! And cute! And adorable! And oodles of fun!
NG: You can stop anytime now.