Saturday, January 5, 2008

Stormtroopers of the Empire

Maxwell, Chief, Hymie: CRASH! BAM! POW! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Achmed: Hey, what the heck is going on here?! Look at all those holes you put in the walls!

Chief: They match the other ones put here before! Now get on the floor! We're here to liberate you!

Achmed: You almost shot all my kids! Look at the part you put in that one's hair!

Chief: Collateral damage! Doesn't mean a thing!

Achmed: Can't you guys knock?

Chief: Dynamic entry! (Looks thoughtful.) Although, it's really just an excuse for power-mad sadists to shoot people and destroy things.

Achmed: You guys look just like those stormtroopers in those Star Wars movies! How do you see out of those helmets?

Chief: We can't. That's why we shoot so many innocent people. But they're nifty suits aren't they? They're all the rage among stormtroopers. Hard to go to the bathroom, though.

Achmed: Anything else you want, besides throwing me and my family on the floor and kicking us in the ribs? See? Each of us has our own special spot, we've been thrown down so many times.

Chief: (sticks his Frum 2000 disintegrator into Achmed's face) To free you and bring democracy and liberty to you! Now are you gonna be free, or do I have to anncoulter you?

Achmed: Okay, okay, we'll be free! Will you leave now?

Snickledoodles: Arf! Arf!


Little Achmed: Dad, look what he did to Snickerdoodles! Yech!

Achmed: Were you guys police officers back in the US?

Chief: How did you know that?

Achmed: Because you just shot a Pomeranian 45 times!

Max: Sorry about that, chief.

Chief: Forget it. The dog was going to attack us, anyway. Anyone got any cuffs for it? Somebody find the paws somewhere. Oh, there's one, stuck on the ceiling.

Max: (twitching) You know those drugs the military pumps in us makes all of us a bit jumpy! I think I've had enough Psychotic Serial Killer Serum for this week!

Little Achmed: You just wait until I grow up!

Chief: Quiet, woglet, or I'll rub you out. All I have to do is call in an airstrike from 20,000 feet.

Achmed: Do you guys have any brains at all?

Hymie: If the military wanted us to have brains, they would have issued them! Personally, I enjoy being a brainless fascist robot. Saves having to deal with questions of right and wrong.

Achmed: Ow! Quit that! Would you mind getting your jackboot off of my neck? It really hurts!

Chief: You ungrateful wog! We're been trying to bring you freedom and democracy for 75 years, and still you resist us! We only wish to improve the quality of your lives!

Achmed: That's the same thing the Borg Queen said!

Chief: Who?

Achmed: Wife of George the Eighth? Your emperor? Inbred guy with the little tiny head? Mumbles a lot? Sleeps in a flight-suit with a beer in his hand?

Chief: (scandalized): That's the Emperor George Herbert George Walker George George George Bush you're talking about!

Achmed: Ever heard the saying, "All tyrants call themselves benefactors"?

Chief: Who said that? We'll give him a little taste of a man-pyramid!

Achmed: Jesus said it.

Chief: My Emperor says otherwise! And God talks to him!!

Achmed: Do you really think you can change people for the better by brutalizing and murdering them?

Chief: It'll work someday! There ain't no end to doing right!

Achmed: The road to Hell is paved not only with good intentions, but justifications.

Chief, Max, Hymie: Huh?

Achmed: Forget it. Just a meaningless little observation.

Max: So, where's all the flowers?

Achmed: What flowers?

Max: The ones that were supposed to be carpeting the street when we entered as liberators.

Achmed: Wow! I wish I lived in such a great fantasy world! This would be a comedy if it wasn't a tragedy! You invade our country, kill thousands of innocent people, conquer us, and now say you're liberating us?

Max: Yep! You got it, buster! We're from the government and we're here to help you!

Achmed: My God! America used to be respected all over the world. Now it's an empire, running roughshod over everyone, using the false excuse that everyone hates you and wants to attack and destroy you. And you really don't have a clue as to the real reason why people hate you, do you? You think the way you're treating us now might have anything to do with it?

Hymie: So where's all the hot babes?

Achmed: You mean all the grateful babes who were supposed to be throwing flowers in your path while ripping their clothes off?

Max: Yeah, those babes!

Achmed: Look! I think I see one way down there on the street! She's trying to hide by running on all fours and disguising herself with a tail!

Chief; Hey, I'll bet she looks a lot better than those nude Madeleine Albright pin-ups the military gave us! Let's go, boys!

Max, Hymie: (firing Frum 2000 disintegrators in the air like a gang of drunken bandits): God, I love the War on Terror!

Chief: Me too! Yay! Ow! Dang, I just fell into a ditch! I'm as blind as a bat with this cheapo Fascists-R-Us helmet over my head! Ouch! You guys get off of me!

Max, Hymie: Hee hee! This is pretty funny! The blind following the blind, and both of us have fallen into a ditch!

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