Saturday, January 5, 2008

Duct Tape, Tinfoil, and Spam

There is a philosophical problem known as Appearance and Reality. It asks the question: is what we see what it really is? We see a brick, but science says it's atoms. The appearance is of a brick, but the reality is subatomic particles. Worse, physicists are now saying it's not atomic particles but strings. The universe is made of spaghetti? I would have much preferred Spaghetti-Os, a bowlful of which I once got my nephew to upend on his head while he was sitting in his high-chair, when I realized the circumference of the bowl was exactly the same as his head. His mother, my sister, was not pleased, although he and I were.

The idea of Appearance and Reality applies to people, too. Dubya, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld give the appearance of being mature, intelligent, serious men who look as if they know what they're doing, and can run a war even though they are corporate businessmen who I doubt have never fired a BB gun in their lives. I doubt people like leftist warmongering chickenhawk armchair-warriors like Max Boot, Jonah Goldberg or William Kristol even know which end the BB comes out of.

My eye, which is pretty good at seeing through what people appear to be to the reality of what they actually are, perceives something totally different than men qualified to govern the United States of America. As for starting and running World War III? God help us all.

Recently the word was put out that all of us should buy duct tape and plastic sheets to seal ourselves in our homes in case we are attacked by gas or germs or maybe a suitcase-sized vibrating Spaghetti-O bomb. This is a truly dumb idea. It's nonsense masquerading as something noble. Seal yourself up like that and some people will die. Some already have in Israel.

Where I used to live, many of the homes were built in the early 20th century and instead of having insulation the walls were three bricks thick. Before air-conditioning hundreds of elderly people would die each summer. They'd get hot in the brick ovens they lived in, their brains would overheat and they'd get confused, then they would close the windows, put on a coat, turn on the furnace when it was 100 degrees out, and three days later someone would find them on their backs with their arms and legs sticking up in the air, as stiff as dead bugs. It could happen today, especially if they were all sealed up like caterpillars in cocoons. Of course the people who suggested all this nonsense will, at most say, "Oops, sorry." Oh, heck, they won't even do that.

Did Dubya or Cheney or anyone else in the administration go on TV and say, "Hey, folks, forget the duct tape and plastic sheets. It's a really stupid, dangerous idea." Nope, they didn't. Not a word. And these are our leaders, competent to run the US? Bah. I'm waiting for the day the White House is festooned with duct tape and plastic sheets. It'll happen about the same time Dubya learns to not say "stategery" or "warren terrism."

They're right about having duct tape; they just don't know the proper use for it. Personally, I think what's holding the universe together is little teeny-tiny bits of duct tape. When scientists can finally see the tiniest particles of reality, I believe they'll find God's Duct Tape. Duct tape is the strongest stuff in the universe. I carry a roll in my car, which I have used to seal splits in radiator hoses. I've even used it to seal splits in me until I could get stitched up.

Therefore, I believe everyone should have at least 10 rolls of duct tape in their home. If the military had any sense, it would duct-tape all the soldiers and armor, and enemy fire would just bounce off. Just about anything that goes wrong in your home, duct tape can fix it. And since I don't expect the economy is pick up anytime soon because of this war (like maybe 10 years) it's a good idea to be prepared to make your own repairs as cheaply as possible. If you need to fix something, it's duct tape to the rescue.

Hey, if duct tape if good enough for the "Red Green Show," it's good enough for me.

The next thing I recommend that everyone have is tinfoil. Although most people think that only nuts wear Tinfoil Hats and the hats don't do any good, they're wrong. Tinfoil really does work. I wear one all the time, and have since I was an infant. My parents trained me well. And, hey, look how I turned out!

And since the government is now coming up with all kinds of weird EMP "e-bomb" weapons that are supposed to fry electronics, be warned that your brain is an electronic parallel processor, just like your computer. And if you think the government isn't working on supposedly non-lethal ways to make your brain go haywire – say, for antiwar protests – think again. And I'm very fond of my brain, which is my second-favorite organ.

Let's put it this way: the government tells us we should duct-tape and plastic-sheet our homes, but doesn't say a word about wearing a Tinfoil Hat. Since Bobbert's Law tells us that whatever the government says works, doesn't, and whatever it ignores or says doesn't work, does work, then the fact it ignores Tinfoil Hats means they work!

One person emailed me and said only crazy people live in shopping carts. As I've written before, I have a shopping cart which I plan on living in when I retire if my main retirement plans don't work out. Which they may not, considering the shape Social Security is in. And of course inflation, the deficit, regulation and other problems, all of which are caused by the government.

Therefore, I decided to get two birds with one stone. I plan on living in my car, which I am going to tinfoil! I believe it will become all the rage. Imagine hundreds of retirees, living in tinfoiled cars, all lined up in a parking lot. It could be a retirement community. A neighborhood! The government can try to snoop all it wants, and zotz brain-fricasee waves at us, and it all will be to naught. Everything it sends at the citizens will bounce right off.

Another good thing about Tinfoil Hats is that if you wear one you will never be drafted, in case the government is stupid enough to try and pull that one again. A certifiable nut wearing a Tinfoil Hat is not going to be drafted. Heck, anyone who's ever been on an antidepressant or Ritalin is automatically excluded from military service. Think what a Tinfoil Hat can do.

On the other hand, I suppose you can just become a neocon. Then you'll never be drafted. People like Max Boot and Jonah Goldberg are still young enough to join the military, but of course they never will. William Kristol could get a waiver from President Bush, as could Rush Limbaugh. But they won't. Could it be – buk buk buk?

Since all of them, save Limbaugh, are leftist America-haters, of course others are supposed to die instead of them. The America they hate is "fly-over country," the wasteland between the coasts.

Everyone should of course stock up on something to eat. I recommend Spam, several dozen cases. Tinned Spam will last several thousand years, and it's tasty, too. You don't even need a can-opener. The cans have those little pop-top thingies. Just pull on it, and there's...the... delicious Spam. I'm going to store all of mine in the trunk of my tinfoiled car. If I wrap the cases of Spam in duct tape, I figure they'll last several million years. Not that I'll be around after all that time to enjoy it. By that time, I suspect cockroaches will have mutated and evolved enough to take over the earth. They'll eat the Spam. Cockroaches will eat anything.

I also recommend stocking up on cigarettes and booze. Duct taping them isn't such a bad idea. I have found a certain unnamed heinous beast that I own – although he thinks he owns me – has a tendency to get into my cigarettes and beer, and then overindulge in them. Claws or not, I've found he can't get through the duct tape.

I am not happy with the current administration and its drive to conquer a substantial part of the world and turn the US into the American Empire. Empires always fall, all of them. Don't they know this? Don't these people have any understanding of history, political philosophy, economics, anything?

I wish I was a teacher and they were students. I know what I would do with them.

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