Monday, November 12, 2007

The Thing vs. Some Dumb Flatfoots

"It is the function of the citizen to keep the government from falling into error."- Robert H. Jackson

The title sounds like one of those movie serials from the '30s and '40s, doesn't it? The kind where this happened:

CAPTAIN YANCY: Yer surrounded, Thing! Give up! You can't get away!

THING: Come and get me, coppers! You'll never take me alive! (RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT!)

Nope, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the Thing, Ben Grimm, from the Fantastic Four. The guy who looks like an animated pile of rocks, and whose best-known saying is, "It's clobberin' time!"

Recently I put together a plastic model of the Thing. Yeah, I still put models together, and paint them, too. I'm a lot better than when I was a kid, when I'd put together, say, an Me-109 I'd glue the propeller and wheels so they wouldn't turn, and smear glue all over the cockpit so you couldn't see the pilot inside. I don't do that anymore.

I'm nearly professional, not that it mattered with this particular Thing.

A woman I know, who thought he was adorable, what with his blue underpants, wanted him. As an aside, superheroes don't have genitals, or even bulges, like the Thing or the Hulk, although it is okay for Wonder Woman to have breasts the size of watermelons. Go figure.

This woman lived in Dillingham, Alaska. The only thing Dillingham, which is a tiny little town in the middle of nowhere, is known for is because the police chief, who used to be a dishwasher, accepted a 2006 Homeland Security grant to install 80 cameras around town. That's one camera for every 30 residents.

He claimed terrorists could come into Dillingham, never mind the fact there are no roads in and out of town. Everything that comes in, comes in by plane and barge.

Dishwasher, indeed. Moron.

This is Alice down the Rabbit Hole stuff, heading into the Red Queen's logic of sentence first, verdict afterwards. Guilty until proven innocent, and you can't prove that. Curiouser and curiouser!

Anyway, I packed the Thing into a box and sent him off. That's the last I heard of him for three weeks. At first I thought he had gotten lost in the mail, then the next thing I hear is that he had showed up, not in such good shape.

The box had been crushed, opened and crudely taped. When my friend opened it, the Thing was lying in pieces at the bottom.

I know what happened. Someone at the Dillingham post office decided to check the box for drugs, so they opened it, ripped the Thing to pieces, didn't leave a note or any explanation, dumped the pieces in the box, and gave it to my friend like that.

Or maybe this was a Patriot Act thing! Yeah, that's it! They were checking for explosives in the Thing! But if there was a bomb in it, didn't it occur to anyone it would have gone off when they opened the package? "People Whose Brains Were Sucked Out of Their Skulls" -- a Quinn Martin Production! Coming soon to you!

This woman told me a similar thing had happened to her once before, when a jewelry box sent to her had been opened. Worse, some of the jewelry was missing.

Hey, if the government is going to open our packages, the very least they can do is not steal anything inside, right?

I guess the Thing wasn't worth stealing, just damaging.

Where would we be if the Thing had made it to Alaska intact? Huh? Huh? Huh? Better safe than sorry, right? Giving up a little security -- and property -- is nothing to prevent those Ayrab terrorist from swamping Dillingham, Alaska!

Some people need to get a life. And find a brain lying around somewhere. The Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz could do better than this.

Apparently these people are so stupid they don't realize models are not hollow. My friend was able to fit his pieces back together, but had to buy some glue to make them stick. And he was stuck. I really glued him together, so whoever tore him apart had to put some effort into it.

Yay for the War on Drugs! It makes bureaucrats even dumber than they already are!

I wonder if these people enjoyed destroying the Thing? Latent sadists, maybe? Or did they just con themselves they were doing good instead of bad? When people do bad things they have to always delude themselves it's for a good cause. The road to Hell and good intentions, you know.

I am reminded of that old saying: "Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." I think this one is more accurate, though: "Power intoxicates, and immunity corrupts."

You know what I wished had happened? When whoever decided to tear the Thing apart started twisting his arm, I wish they had heard:

"It's clobberin' time!"


Take that, Bad Guys!

It used to be that superheroes like Captain America fought foreign enemies like the Nazis and the Reds. Now we have domestic enemies! As far as I'm concerned, those people in the Post Office should dress like Ming the Merciless!

Too bad I can't draw! Or write in any style that isn't manic and uses lots of exclamation points! I'd make comic books in which the superheroes took on domestic enemies like SWAT teams who break into innocent peoples' houses and ventilate old ladies (when they aren't ventilating each other)! And beat up those moronic TSA guards! And pound some sense into the people at the Post Office! Yeah, that's the way to go! Woo hoo!

After all, we all want justice, don't we? So does the Thing!

I only have one more wish. And you know what it is.

Thing, do your stuff!


Love Dillingham said...

Your ignorance shines brightly. Why don’t you spend some time up hear in Dillingham before passing judgment on us. Setting a side the pitch that was given to homeland security to get the cameras, those cameras have already saved peoples lives and property. Our police force is small considering the physical area that they must patrol and anything that helps them do their job better is a plus in my book. Our Chief didn’t create the program that allowed us to get the cameras; he just had the vision and a willingness to fill out the mound of paper work that was required to get the grant. Now after the fact he had to put up criticism like yours when all he was tiring to do was make our community a little better.

Unknown said...

Your police chief is a buffoon who used to be a dishwasher.

I know all about Dillingham, and it's a pit.