Imagine if by law you had to pork a fat, ugly feminist. Oh, the horror! The humanity!
This is from the Bullshit-Free Zone and it is very funny.
"I don’t agree with my [outspoken third] cousin Rush Limbaugh on everything. He seems to have an inability to disagree with the Republican Party over anything. As a libertarian, I often sympathize with the GOP, but there are a few political positions of theirs that drive me bat-shit fucking crazy (namely foreign policy, ceding liberty under the guise of increased security, and the war on drugs.) However, there is one, what the left labeled as 'sexist' and incendiary, opinion of his with which I have never agreed more. It is one of his proclaimed 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: that 'feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society.'
"Think about it. When have you ever seen an attractive feminist? Show me one of these blabbering activists that any self-respecting man would also deem fuckable, and I’ll take you out to the bar one evening with the whole tab on me! Let’s consider some of the popular feminist mantras out there. These wind-bags boast about being proud to be female, regardless of weight or physical attractiveness. 'It’s who you are as a person that counts,' they say. Men are sexist pigs for considering physical attractiveness when trying to find a suitable mate, a chant the feminists believe will eventually become true if they repeat it tirelessly enough. Attractive women don’t need to take part in this nonsense–all they’ve gotta do is be a little flirtatious with a horny guy at the bar who’s loaded with enough testosterone and booze to kill Charlie fucking Sheen, and BAM–she’s got a one way ticket to go to Pound Town with any male specimen she desires. Men flock to hot women–that’s natural selection, biological nature.
"The problem for the feminists is that this reality leaves them with table scraps from which to choose. These repulsive, menopause-nearing hags want a good fucking every now and again just like any other human being. But, owing to their, shall we say, design flaws, they’re left to choose from the disease ridden transients and bottom feeders that they find in a bar that fraudulently allows its customers to pay with an EBT card. They don’t think it’s fair to be subjected to the ridicule of trying sexual positions invented to accommodate obesity, or to pull a rotting tooth from between their beef curtains after receiving cunnilingus from a crackhead.
"To give them a sense of importance and self worth, they created feminism, the ultimate goal of which is a Marxist redistribution of attractive men (they’re taking Obama’s mind-numbingly stupid ideas about economic policies and are applying it to sex–'pussy policy,' if you will.) They know that not all of these wretched harlots will be able to marry a man that’s attractive, or even average looking. Nevertheless, in their world of 'equality,' even the most slovenly, transvestite-donkey-witch will be graced with the occasional, drunken hump-and-dump from someone who fell victim to the deception of the beer goggles (and so goes the proverb: beauty is in the eyes of the beer-holder.)
"There are two ways to remedy a problem dealing with any sort of disadvantage. You either bring the people from the bottom to the top, or you take from those at the top and redistribute to the bottom. Since using cosmetic procedures to remedy the feminists’ ailment would create a back-order of qualified plastic surgeons until year 2250, they had to find a way to rectify their unfortunate situation of having been beaten with the proverbial ugly stick branch tree-trunk.
"Alas, their solution to their handicapping appearance deficits is to knock the sexy ones down a couple pegs. Consider the other part to their mantra: the empowerment of the plus-sized woman. They incessantly retort that it is okay for women to be fat, abrasive sluts–there’s no shame in your body. 'You’re not sex objects or decorations,' they say. While they hide behind the shield of academia, making some very well-reasoned and articulate arguments about the progress of women kind, do not let their talking points make you for a fool.
"They want this idea to catch on. They want the swimsuit models and starving actresses to all become fat, abrasive sluts. By hoping to diminish the average standard of all society’s women, they’re increasing the likelihood that they can get a good cock-ramming from a man who has had to lower his standards because of the declining standard among women. They hope that among this new, degenerated pool of females awaiting penile ravishment, they may even have the opportunity to 'volunteer as tribute,' so that they’ll finally be the ones Catching Fire (under their FUPAS.)
"As I mentioned earlier, they use other topical arguments to hide the real reason for their activism that is their conquest for cock. Consider the following anecdotal evidence. Remember when Daniel Tosh made a rape joke, and then had to apologize for
doing his job as a comedian because funny jokes are illegal now his insensitive remark? Well that gave way for multitudes of feminist propaganda. Shortly there after, Jabba the Hut Lindy West decided to take up the cause of making feminism appear legitimate by going on a TV debate, demonizing rape jokes in all circumstances. After such an event, she received threats of death and sexual violence. Since feminism is all about being strong and empowered (until things get a little frustrating,) she took to the Internets again, this time using a Youtube video to whine about it as if people gave a damn (in case she didn’t notice, there is a war going on and the economy is in the shitter.)
"Lindy West wants all women to look like her, in order to bring the spirit of 'equal opportunity' to the act of getting laid. Here she is day dreaming, her face positioned so that she can imagine what it’d be like to have an attractive man blast her in the face with his warm spray.
"This prompted an overload of psychopathic, feminist diatribes. They cited this as evidence of the myth of 'Rape Culture,' (which I ridiculed in my previous post,) that these comments are indicative of the problem West addressed during her televised debate.
"Since this is a Bullshit-Free Zone, I can’t in good conscience detail the arguments they made for this . . . because those arguments are BULLSHIT! It is a farce, an artificial veneer that exists only to cover up the true goal of feminism: coital compensation for the homely tragedies that manifest themselves upon the visages, bosoms, buttocks, thunder thighs, and cankles of feminists across the nation.
"To refute their claim, I’ll refer them to lovely political commentator Ann Coulter. Among the things Coulter has said include 'Jews need to be perfected,' and, on National Coming-Out Day, she said 'coincidentally, tomorrow is national Disown Your Son Day.' Do you think she’s ever received death threats for any of the shit she’s said? Fuck yes. She just doesn’t whine about it like a little bitch because she’s a trooper. And because she isn’t so desperate to create a level playing battlefield to host the explosions of man’s Goo-Bazooka that she’d disguise such an intention with a complete farce such as feminism.
"That being, said, I return to my earlier offer of a bar tab on me. Just find me one feminist who doesn’t look like what Princess Leia strangled them with a chain.
"I challenge you to find me one, progressive Swamp Thing that is even slightly distinguishable among a crowd of trolls in leggings. If that cannot be done, you may resort to artifacts. Find me one Proud to Be a Feminist t-shirt whose cotton fabric isn’t plagued with unsightly stretch-marks from horrendously sagging mammary glands [titties], and putrid pit stains of sweat and lard. Find me any of these, and the reward is all yours.
"Happy Women’s History Month."