FROSTBITE FALLS MN – The federal government has declined to press charges against Ruth "Grammy" Gordon, an 87-year-old wheelchair-bound great-grandmother who hospitalized what she called “six TSA sex perverts” after an altercation with them last week, in which she claimed one tried to sexually molest her and the rest tried to assault her.
"Justice has been served," said the 85-pound mother of three, grandmother of six and great-grandmother of one, as she sat in her wheelchair, aided in her breathing by an oxygen bottle. "Now I'm going to sue every fool in the federal government for ignorance, stupidity, and just plain general incompetence. I'm an American, and I won't be treated like this."
The problem began last week as Gordon attempted to board an airplane at the Rocket J. Squirrel Airport in Frostbite Falls. "These guys are supposed to be some kind of professionals," she said, "but they're dumber than rocks. This ‘security’ is all just lousy theater, and any quarter-witted terrorist could find a way around it.”
Gordon said the problems started when a “fat guy with a crewcut, tattoos and a hostile look told me he was going to feel my breasts and my mommy parts to see if I had bombs hidden in them. You know what? I don’t think so.”
Gordon said she got the startle of her life when she realized the person “trying to grope me wasn’t a man! Buncha perverts! Where do they get these people? Did they empty some sex pervert prison somewhere?”
Gordon said she then defended herself against this attempted sexual assault. Videotapes showed that she ran the guard down with her motorized wheelchair, then sat on top of the screaming woman while spinning her chair in circles. "Doofus was so fat she couldn't get up," said Gordon with a giggle.
Another guard who attempted to pull Gordon's wheelchair off of the screaming woman from behind was hit over the head with an oxygen bottle and knocked unconscious. A third guard, who approached Gordon from the front, was also left dazed on the floor, with a lump on his forehead. Witnesses said she was cackling, "Put your hands on an
old lady, will you?" as she pounded both downed guards unmercifully with her bottle.
The tape also showed a fourth guard attempting to grab Gordon's wheelchair. Gordon removed a knitting needle from her purse and stabbed him in his left buttock. "What a wimp," she told reporters. "He started screaming and grabbing his butt and running like a puppy that someone kicked. And he ran off with my favorite knitting needle stuck in his fat ass."
"It was amazing," said another witness, Boris Badanov, who declined to give any information about himself except that he worked in the animation industry. "The whole crowd just stood there cheering and clapping. I mean, she opened a big can of whoop-ass on them,” he said.
A fifth guard that attempted to grab Gordon had the seat of his pants set on fire with a cigarette lighter she had in her purse. "Zippos are the best for this sort of work,” Gordon said with a big smile. “The pervert just went whoosh across the concourse, screaming and slapping at all these flames flying out of his rear. They must give these people really cheap uniforms.”
The sixth and last guard approached Gordon with a raised fist. "I think that was the wrong thing to do," said another witness, who declined to be identified. "She just grabbed him by his greasy hair with one hand and punched him – “
“ – right in the gonads,” Gordon finished. “If they think they can assault my private parts, I’ll return the favor. And I got him in both of them with one punch.”
“The guard got all cross-eyed,” the unnamed witness noticed. “Then he bent over with his hands over his frank and beans, fell on his side, curled up in the fetal position and started moaning. She really got medieval on his – uh, this nut.”
After all the ruckus was over, Gordon's chair was still sitting on top of the first guard. The tapes clearly showed her leaning over and yelling, "Apologize to me, you fat ugly sumbitch, or when I'm done with you you'll just be a greasy spot on the floor!"
As the crowd roared with laughter, the guard cried, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Uncle! I won't do it again! I promise! Please let me up!"
Finally, Gordon surrendered without further incident, and was taken to jail and released on her own recognizance. "We didn't have any choice," said an unidentified officer of the court. "Over 5000 people showed up to support her. I think if we had demanded bail, there would have been a riot."
Over 20 lawyers offered to defend her for free. However, realizing the precariousness of the case, the feds decided to not charge Gordon with anything. "I doubt there's a jury in the whole country that would have found her guilty of any charge, especially after we found all six guards had police records we didn’t notice when they were hired," said a sweating TSA official who wished to remain anonymous.
All six TSA agents were released from the hospital after their injuries were treated, immediately terminated from their TSA positions, and arrested on outstanding warrants ranging from indecent exposure to lewd conduct in a public restroom to bestiality resulting in the death of a farmyard animal. “We believe it was a chicken,” said a source who wished to remain anonymous.
"I'm flying again tomorrow," Gordon told reporters. "And I suggest no one at the airport so much as look at me wrong. And if they think they’re going to search my three-year-old great-granddaughter for bombs in her panties, they better think twice about that, too. Otherwise, another six perverts are going to get beaten up."