Friday, September 10, 2010

How to Deal with Hijacked Airplanes

Hijacker: This is a hijacking! I have a boxcutter!

Grandma: I have a .45! Now reach for the sky, or I'll put a hole in that diaper-hat on top of your pointy little head!

Hijacker: What?! I did not know Americans were allowed to carry handguns on airplanes! I thought the liberals took away your firearms and your gonads!

Grandma: What alternate universe do you live in? This is America, land of the free and home of the brave! And the armed!

Bureaucrat: Everyone put away your handguns and surrender! Do what they tell you! There won't be any trouble if you just act like sheep!

Grandma: Shut up you, you worthless idjit! (Smacks bureaucrat on top of his head, which causes him to cry like a girl.) Anyone who listens to anything said by anyone from the government deserves exactly what they get!

Hijacker: Surrender! We are going to fly these planes into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and the White House!

Grandma: Bringing a knife to a gunfight, huh?

Hijacker: God will help me!

Grandma: God helps those who help themselves! And you need help right now! (BLAM!)

Hijacker: AIEEEE!! (claps hands over the hole in his forehead) The 72 virgins await me! (Topples over, exits.)

Other hijackers: Imams preserve us! Everyone on the plane has handguns pointed at us, pistols probably loaded with frangible ammo, which make horrible wounds in us but won't exit, thereby not penetrating the aircraft walls! (Looks pensive) Not that's any big deal, since aircraft are designed in case a hole appears, so nobody will be sucked out, like in Goldfinger. Now as to why Goldfinger got sucked out in the movie but Oddjob in the novel, I don't know. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah -- we surrender!

Passengers: (chorus): Oh, really?

Osama bin Laden: Dang. My plan to draw the U.S. into a war so the entire Islamic world will hate them just fell apart! Now I'll have to find another way to get America to bleed itself dry of blood and treasure! Drats! My nefarious plans foiled! (Looks pensive.) But then, on the other hand, I'm not going to end up a pile of squashed bones under a mountain in Afghanistan!

George Bush: Ah, shoot. Now I'll go down in history as a mediocre president who presided over a miniscule tax cut and some minor deregulation. (Looks pensive.) Well, I guess that's better than being known as a stumble-tongued fool who fell into Osama bin Laden's trap and started World War III!

Neocons: Dang! Our insane leftist plans to conquer the Middle East just went up in smoke! (Looks pensive.) On the other hand, at least we're not going to be exposed as the deluded, traitorous, crackpot, chickenhawk armchair-general cowards that all of us really are!

Father: Hi, honey! I'm home from my job at the World Trade Center!

Wife: Thank goodness! A bunch of nuts tried to hijack four planes and fly them right into the building where you work! The passengers shot a bunch of them and the rest surrendered!

Father: Wow! I might have been killed! Good thing those passengers were armed! Why, 3000 people could have been killed had the hijackers succeeded!

Daughter: Daddy! You're home!

Father: Yep, honey, safe and sound, thanks to the brave citizens of this wonderful country, who understand how utterly foolish and worthless the government really is.

Daughter: Yay for America! And .45 caliber semi-automatics!

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