A six-year-old school-girl was recently Tasered by police, then cuffed, taken to the police station, and placed in a cell for playing 'scissors, paper, rock' at school.
"We have a zero-tolerance policy for violent acts," said the principal, Richard "Dick" Less. "We found her playing 'scissors, paper, rock' and immediately called the police. They stormed the school with a SWAT team, asked her what she was doing, and when she made a fist, then scissors, they Tazered her. We can't tolerate this kind of behavior among children. It leads to a lifetime of violence and drug addiction."
"She was putting my officers' life in danger," said Police Chief Richard Cranium. "She threatened them with her fist, then used her index and middle finger to make scissors. She could have killed one of the officers, or all of them. We can't be too careful, even with a first-grader. Generally, we just kill people who do stuff like this, but we give her a break because she was six years old."
Both Less and Cranium said they were following state law, and had done nothing wrong. "We were just following orders," both said.
The mother of the six year old girl, whose name is being withheld, said the whole thing was ridiculous. "What in the world is this country coming to when principals and the police lie with a straight face and say a six-year-old girl could kill people with two of her fingers? Are they on some kind of power trip, or what?"
"It was awful," said one of the girl's classmates, who saw the incident. "The police smashed the windows and threw in these things that made a lot of smoke. Then they jumped in screaming and yelling and pointing guns. They were dressed in these helmets and boots. When she showed them 'scissors, paper, rock' they screamed and shot her with this thing. She fell over and started twitching. I was really scared."
"They put these cuffs on her and dragged her on the floor to outside the school," said another student. "Then I saw them throw her in the back of a car and drive away. They were calling her names like 'perp' and 'terrorist.' Then they were giving each other high-fives and saying stuff like, "So you think we'll be on 'Cops" for this one?'."
The six-year-old girl, who was in a cell for four hours before she was released, was hosptialized briefly. Doctors said she was okay, and there would be no lasting effects. "Not physically, at least," said a doctor who wished to be anonymous. "She's a little banged-up from being dragged on the ground by her hair, but otherwise she's fine. Psychologically, we don't know. I don't think she'll be playing 'scissors, paper, rock' ever again, though."
Police said felony charges are pending, and hope the little girl gets the maximum sentence of 20 years. "We have to nip it in the bud," said SWAT team member Barney Fife.