Dumb People With No Lives

One of my friends mentioned he had watched a comedian talk about older retired people, who had no lives, so they spend their times peeking through their drapes: "What's that cat doing on the sidewalk in front of our house? He doesn't live on this street! He's up to no good. He's going to steal our silverware! He's going to rape us! Mabel!!! Call the swat team! WE HAVE A RAPIST CAT OUT HERE!!!"

I've encountered these loons more than once. Some years ago I lived in an apartment complex, and the building on my left side had four retired people who had nothing better to do than look through their drapes. One was a spinster and three were retired military, the dumb kind who couldn't make it in the real world, so they spent 25 years in the service, but were so stupid they couldn't make Master Sergent. One failed the test three times. (After meeting guys like this, I understand why they're used as cannon fodder: "Good ones in back, the sorry ones in front.")

All four of them came out of their apartments and harassed me me about my dog peeing on bushes. They thought these bushes and trees 30 feet from their front door belonged to them. One told me dog pee would kill a tree and another said it would make the area stink. How did they know these things? They made them up.

I came to blows with one after he came out of his apartment and confronted me about my tiny dog peeing on a bush (they harassed everyone about their dogs, not just me). He really thought the bush belonged to him. Even security told him he was wrong, which didn't penetrate. When he came over to my apartment to see why I was talking to security, I actually to shoo him away by showing him the top of my palms, with my fingers down, and going, "Shoo, shoo, go back home." I also told him, "You enjoy this, don't you? You're one of those people with no life so this drama is the only excitement you have."

Stupid people, retired or not, when they have no lives, fill it with drama, because it's the only excitement they get in their empty lives. Just as bad, something has gone wrong in their brains so they become self-righteous, which means they are consistently violating people's boundaries, and don't even know it.

I mean, come on, what sort of a lunatic starts a fight over a dog peeing on a tree? And what are the chances of four of them living next door to each other? What did I do, offend Cthulhu so he sent four demons to live next door to each other and gleefully harass humans?

I know a man who lives in a condo, surrounded by retired whackos, and he tells me he regrets buying the place and wishes he had bought a house instead. Not only does he have to deal with those sticking their noses in everyone's business, he said some of the retired guys have so lost their minds they wear Bermuda shorts with blacks socks up to the knees, and sandals. I've seen that, too.

I sometimes have this fantasy these people should be Soylent Greened. At least they'd make themselves useful.

Or maybe they should be put on an island, with hidden cameras (like in the movie, The Truman Show) and it should be broadcast to the world. It'd be hysterical, watching two 80-year-olds brawl over a chihuahua peeing on the beach, while their wives beat them over the heads with their umbrellas.

If I lose my mind and get like this, please God, just kill me. I don't want to wear shorts with black socks and sandals while chasing people around with my cane and screaming about their poodle violating my rights.